Anxiety

 I was still a worrier. At the age of 24, I can think back on my youth now and remember the symptoms of developing anxiety. 

Around four years ago, my stressful etiquette grew into fear. I wasn't lucky enough to hold any good friends from my schooling days, and after high school I went through a risky phase, establishing friendships with people I was better off with.

I was left practically friendless when I realized it was time to leave this process, and all the people involved in it behind. 

When completing my full time undergraduate degree, I poured all my physical resources into working full time (which included getting two jobs). This meant working seven days a week and, after finishing 12 hour shifts, completing university assignments.

I have given up every part of my social life and health in order to work these extreme hours. This meant that I had a very small number of persons with whom I associated, none of whom were women of my own generation. As I was just too busy to cook or go to the gym after work, I ate poorly and never exercised, resulting in weight gain.

In engaging with people I wasn't familiar with, my experience with coping with social anxiety is a sense of intense terror. When referring to them, I was unable to look people in the eye, and tried to keep the conversation going. I've come off as both incredibly quiet and reserved, as well as arrogant, which everyone who knows me well knows is the opposite of me. 

My self-confidence during this era of my life was at an all-time low, and every time I looked in the mirror, I felt disgusted. I kept as far away from people as I could, and felt like if I went out in public, I made myself ashamed. I had a voice in my mind continuously asking, "Why would anyone want to be friends with you?" You're disgusting and you're pathetic. 

When my partner ended his apprenticeship, life turned around, and he was fortunate enough to get a well-paid career. This meant I was no longer carrying the financial responsibility for the first time in our relationship. I have been able to spend money on items that sound so insignificant but play a major role in our self-confidence for the first time in over three years, such as getting my hair styled and purchasing some new clothing.

I did little things that changed my life so enormously. Such as forming a netball squad, going to the gym daily, and pushing myself to engage socially anytime I get the chance. In social settings, I still fail, but not near the degree of which I have struggled. Most notably, I have a partner who, when I was an incredibly difficult person to love, stuck by my side through all the anxiety attacks and sleepless crying nights, while loving me unconditionally.

I started a job recently that I felt was going to be the beginning of my future. Things aren't always fine, though, and I knew that this work caused my anxiety to reappear. I headed back down the road to the lonely spot that I had lived in for so long. I can tell that I've put my mental health first and left this job for the first time in my life.

I realize that my experience might be nothing relative to what other people face, but it was worth writing if any one person relates. 

So, if you're out there, I guarantee that things are going to get better. Try to press on, one day at a time.